The RealWorld Men's Blog

Speak It Until You Believe It

2011-07-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

I’m a proud father of a high schooler (pray for me). My son is 15 years, and he has proven to me that being a professor is a lot easier than being a parent. But isn’t it weird how eerily similar the two jobs are?

One of the great advantages of being a teacher before you become a parent is you gain wisdom by watching the development of your students. I’ve been fortunate to work with students of all ages from elementary to college, so even before my son was born I could see what to expect.

After convincing myself (or rather allowing God to do it) of having children in spite of what I saw at school, I realized that teaching was actually preparing me for parenthood.

So when my son was about 5 years old, I knew the inevitable would eventually arrive; I’m talking about the frightening MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS. Yeah, I know high school isn’t a walk in the park either, but I believe middle school is the transition period that will determine the emotional and social success or failure of a student in high school.

In addition to all of the physical changes that occur in middle school, the desire for acceptance and independence tend to challenge and tax every parenting skill one has.

Knowing this, I had to come up with a way that I could teach my son (while he was still listening to me) to not forget everything he learned prior to entering the pre-teen and teenage years. I was trying to help him avoid what I call, “middle school” amnesia. So intentionally I decided to “brainwash” my son. Yeah, I know that sounds bad, but let me explain.

When he was 5 years old, I started teaching him something called the “Martin Mantras.” Catchy sayings he could recall and recite whenever he needed them the most; sort of like a “use these in case of an emergency” whenever he found himself in an eventual middle school social, academic, mental, or emotional crisis.

He didn’t understand why I was doing it at the time, but all I can tell you today is that the Martin Mantras have paid HUGE dividends. They work great because it saves me from having to “lecture” him on what he already knows is right. The mantras instead, allow me to “lead” him to exercise his independence and accept responsibility for his actions.

With my son’s permission, I’ve decided to share the “Martin Mantras” with you. Please share them with anyone who needs to be reminded how great they are and how powerful God is. Feel free to create your own and share them so we can add them to our family’s list. Here they are:

If I do my best, God will handle the rest.
If I believe I can do it, God will see to it.
Even if I fall, God controls it all.
If I lie, God will always deny.
No matter what people say, God loves me anyway.
I know I have favor, because Jesus is my Savior.
Whenever God tells me how, I must obey now.

I will leave it up to you to know WHEN you should use them. But I use them on my son usually right before a test, after a test, after being mistreated by others, teased by others, during times of doubt, feelings of insecurity, and fear (just to name a few).

I can’t begin to tell you how powerful the right word spoken at the right time can be or how destructive the wrong word spoken at the wrong time can be.

Over the past 10 years, I’m convinced now (more than ever) that my son actually believes these mantras. I’ve actually heard him share some of the mantras with his friends as well as some of our family members.

I truly believe if you speak something long enough, whether positive or negative, eventually you’ll believe it. So start creating the world you would like to see (for your children, siblings, mate, or friens) by speaking what you want them to believe about themselves and others. Take my word for it, you’ll change their life. Stay in His grip!

Don't You Dare Compare!

2011-06-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

   If you find yourself comparing yourself to others and NOT measuring up, I have a simple solution - STOP!

   I think comparing yourself to others is one of the quickest ways to either depression or conceit. I've been taught that whenever you don't think you're good enough, just focus on being a better YOU. In other words, try to outperform yourself - compete against yourself. Measure your success today based on who you were yesterday, last month, last year, last decade. If you're not better than your former self, that just means you have work to do.

I was also taught, when you start feeling you're "better" than everyone else, then compare yourself to Christ. Because you'll quickly see how far you still have to go to be what he was, "perfect in character." I think you get my point.

            Instead of worrying about who you're not and why you're not, focus on who and what you want to become, and start taking the necessary steps to get there. I grew up in the hood, and I didn't always (and still don't) speak and write grammatically correct. But I thank God I didn't sit there satisfied with where and who I was.

   I simply made a list of what I wanted to become and WHY - and then I created a checklist of things I wanted to improve in (i.e., speech, diction, writing, vocabulary). Then I started making the necessary sacrifices and taking the necessary steps. I bought vocabulary books to help me boost my knowledge of words. I read and used grammar books (outside of school) to help me write better. I bought speech tapes to help me improve my diction and pronunciation of words. I think you get the point. If you can't see yourself as you COULD be (i.e., successful and significant), then you'll never become what you SHOULD be (i.e. successful and significant).

Well, I have to run, I'm getting ready to go a long road trip (speaking), and I have to get packing. You're going to be fine. Just stop focusing on what you're not, and thank God for what you are (alive, loved, in college, and still in the game) and where he's taking you (to achieve the desires of your heart). Just make sure you do things for the right REASONS with a pure heart. And whatever you lack, just ask God to supply. That's what He's there for (to be relationship with you as He supplies ALL your needs according to His riches and glory). Be blessed and stay in His grip!

Choosing The Road Less Traveled

2010-09-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

I often tell people that when it comes to life, our choices are quite simple: either we can get up, give up, or shut up! Meaning, when we’re faced with tough situations, we can either choose to get up and do something about it; we can choose to give up and accept it for what it is; or we can shut up, stop complaining, and change our attitude about the situation.

Yeah, I know that’s being quite blunt, but I don’t think it makes the statement any less true. However, I think I may have even overstated our options when it comes to life choices. Upon further investigation, and after doing a lot more living and learning, I’ve discovered that we really only have two options: either do things our way or God’s way. Meaning, we can face, confront, react, handle, respond, and deal with things according to God’s way of doing things or we can do things our way.

Over my short time on this planet, I’ve learned that God is very clear and specific about His promises to and for us…if we obey Him. In fact, he’s not vague at all.

He says we will be the head, not the tail; we will be the lender, not the borrower; we will be blessed in the city as well as in the field; our offspring and their offspring’s offspring will be blessed, and so on and so on. Likewise, He’s very specific that the total opposite is true if we DO NOT obey Him.

When I look back at my own life, I’m shocked to find that often times I choose to disobey God in spite of the negative consequences I know will occur. I also know it’s the nature of man (humankind) to often do what feels good to us rather than what’s actually good for us, but knowing this truth doesn’t give me any comfort or justify my disobedience. It just proves that sometimes I deliberately choose to be what I call, “stuck on stupid.”

Even in my many missteps, I’ve noticed that God has never lied to me nor withheld a promise from me. So for the life of me, I don’t understand why I would I ever doubt that he would spare me from the negative consequences of my disobedience?

Like Paul (one of my biggest heroes in the Bible) said, “There is a war that rages inside of me that wants to do right, but doesn’t. And there’s something inside of me that wants to resist evil, but doesn’t.”

If you can relate to anything that I’m saying, I want you to join me in this little prayer, so we can “come clean” together before God, and choose to pursue the road less traveled – the road of obedience and righteousness. Of course, I know it won’t solve all of our problems, but I think it’s at least a good first step in the right direction (at least for me).

So repeat after me, “God, I repent for not always doing the right thing I know I should do and for not always resisting the wrong things I know I shouldn’t do. I know it’s my rebellious nature that refuses to surrender totally and completely to your will. Please help me do better, and please forgive me for not allowing my ‘old nature’ to die and for preventing my ‘born again nature’ to live and express himself totally in my life. Each day God, help remind me that my ‘old nature’ must die in order for Christ to live in me fully. Today, with your help, I submit to your way of doing things and I die to mine. Amen.”

I hope you were in agreement with me on this prayer. But even if you weren’t, I will continue to pray for you as you travel along this journey called manhood. Until next time, be strong, and stay in His grip!

It's Not About You!

2010-08-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

Even though we often question our own purpose in life, and whether or not we’re pursuing the right goals, working the right job, studying the right major, or even choosing the right mate, one thing is for sure, Jesus provides us with a great role model as a man who was indeed living for and pursuing the “right” purpose.

He was so clear on his purpose and mission that he never felt the need to defend himself or argue his position. He knew who he was and what God called him to do. He didn’t waste his time quarreling with others who stood between him and his “higher” calling. His focus and gaze was always on God, not himself.

However, in my life, especially when I’ve disagreed with someone, felt taken advantage of, or didn’t get my way, I’ve often taken my eyes off of God’s desires for me and placed them on my own selfish ones. My interactions with others weren’t about God’s purpose, but rather about my own pleasure, expectations, and desires for immediate gratification. This is not something I’m proud to admit, but I can’t believe I’m the only man on the planet who has struggled with this.

In a society that bombards us with messages of doing what we want when we want, saying what we want when we want, and getting and having what we want when we want it, is it any surprise when others view us as selfish? At least I don’t think so. We’re selfish not only about our desires, but also about our time, our money, and our interests.

In my past relationships with others, not only have I failed to put God’s desires and needs first, I’ve often failed to consider the other person’s needs and desires as well. But there’s one thing to identify a personal character flaw in your life, and it’s another thing to humble yourself before God and seek him to help you correct it (or at least learn from it).

As I’ve matured in my faith over the years, I’ve discovered that when it comes to dealing with God, His children, and my life in general, as a man, I need to change one major thing:

I need to develop a God-centered, people-oriented consciousness and approach to serving Him and others.

For the last few years, I’ve worn two rubber bracelets around my wrist that look identical to each other, but actually are slightly different and serve different purposes. They’re the same kind of bracelets that Lance Armstrong, the legendary cyclist, made popular years ago. These bands look the same, but they’re each inscribed with a different message on it. One bracelet in particular drives home the point I’m trying to make here, and also the reason why I wear it, so I won’t ever forget it’s meaning. The bracelet reads, “IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.”

I wear it as a reminder to myself to embrace the full meaning of “living to serve.” I wear it to remind me to apply it to my life, my message, my actions, the people I meet, the work I do, my son, in my relationships, and most importantly, to God’s purpose. This little shift in consciousness has made a HUGE difference in my life.

So, I join together now in praying with you, asking God to give us both the grace, mercy, and patience we need to allow us to do His will on this earth by serving others. I also want you to challenge yourself over the next 24-hours by asking yourself whenever you meet someone today, “What can I do serve them?’ And whatever God speaks to you heart, just resolve in your spirit to do it.

Until next time, stay strong my brother, and stay in His grip!

You Need Your S.P.A.C.E.

2010-07-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, a dear friend of mine challenged me to do something that has literally transformed my spiritual life. He asked me to seek God earnestly and diligently for 40 days in solitude (early in the morning) and then write down everything and anything God revealed to me each day. He also promised to do the same (with me), and we would in turn hold each other accountable until the end of the 40 days.
Just to insure our commitment, we both waged our beloved iPods (to be given to the other) if either one of us failed to follow through.

I’m proud (and relieved to say), neither one of us had to give up our iPods, but more importantly, it’s now going on three years AFTER the initial 40 days. In fact, some of the blog posts I’ve shared with you have come out of my “quiet time” moments with God. Also, as result, my son and I now seek God together as a result of this little challenge my friend issued; I can’t thank him enough for approaching me about doing it.

However, initially, I didn’t feel that way. Yes, I’ve sought God before through Bible reading, devotional reading, church attendance, praise and worship, and prayer. But my friend proposed a slightly different approach. He wanted us each to pick Bible verses at random (wherever God led us), and without the aid of Biblical commentary, allow God and the Holy Spirit to speak to us directly without hindrance or outside influence. We then would record in a journal whatever God revealed to us in our hearts.

I know this sounds “super spiritual,” but it’s really not. In fact, as much as I like to write, this initially sounded like a monumental task for me. I had many questions: What if I didn’t hear anything from God; what if I didn’t understand what I read; what if I couldn’t express my thoughts in words; how much or how little should I write; where would I start?

My accountability partner, who was much more experienced than I, then suggested a simple formula that has now made hearing from God in my “quiet time” one of the easiest things to do. In fact, I have to STOP myself from writing too much at times. I now have enough journal entries to publish my own person devotional. Wow! In fact, I plan to have my journal entries published before my son graduates from high school so I can give it to him as a graduation gift when he goes off to college.

So what’s the formula? It’s simply this: S.P.A.C.E.

Before you open your Bible, write at the top of the page the word “SPACE.” It’s an acronym that stands for:

S – SIN
P – PROMISE
A – ATTITUDE
C – COMMAND
E – EXAMPLE

That’s it. I’ll explain what it means shortly.

Below that acronym, write down the following question:

“God, what are you saying to me about me today?”

Then simply open your Bible to the scripture (chapter) of your choice, and simply start reading. As you read, keep thinking about the SPACE acronym:

S = “Does this scripture/passage reveal any sin in my life that I need to confess?

P = “Is there a promise in this scripture/passage I need to claim as my own?

A = “Does this scripture/passage expose an attitude I need to change or modify?

C = “Does this scripture/passage focus on a particular command (from God) I need to obey?

E = “Is there an example in this scripture/passage I need to follow/model (or even avoid)?

Trust me, if you do this quietly, without interruptions and distractions, I can almost promise you, you won’t get to finish reading the chapter before God speaks to your heart. If that happens, I would advise you to stop reading, write down your thought immediately (in one sentence), then resume reading again. You can always go back and expound on the thought later.

When you’re finish reading, and you review your thoughts (which I call lessons), pick the one (or two) that stood out the most, and simply write about it (i.e., how you felt, what you thought, what you learned, what you need to do, etc.). That’s it.

Again, I can’t begin to tell you how powerful this little exercise has been and what it’s meant to my spiritual growth. But it just goes to show you, if you just commit just a little time to God, He’ll always make a little S.P.A.C.E. for you. Just give him room to work through you. Until next time, stay strong, and stay in His grip!

Being Right vs. Being Righteous

2010-06-09T19:24:00.000-07:00

I had a very interesting week this week and also a relationship-altering experience as well. I have to first start by making a confession…I love being right.

Now that may not be an earth-shattering revelation to you, because most people do; who doesn’t? However, not only do I like to be right, I’m very good at proving I’m right. In other words, I’m an excellent debater. Again, that my sound okay on the surface, but my skillfulness at “proving my case” has brought me many victories, but it also has brought me many defeats in my relationship with others. Ironically, most of my conflicts with others go wrong when I'm right (and I can prove it) rather than when I'm wrong (and they can prove it).

One reason I started this “RealWorld Mens' Blog” was because I wanted to demonstrate to men who, like me, may not have had a “strong male role model” growing up, that a strong man is also a man who’s humble enough to admit his weaknesses. This is a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way over the years and I still struggle with to this day. And one of the toughest lessons I’ve had to learn is that when it comes to relationships (whether with your mate, child, friend, co-worker, or even a stranger), it’s always far better to be “righteous” than to be “right.”

What do I mean by that? Whenever you’re in a conflict with someone, and you only focus on “proving your point” and doing whatever it takes to “win” the argument, you may walk away feeling good about yourself, but the other person might walk away feeling bad about themselves (including you). However, if you focus on being “righteous” (i.e., speaking and acting towards the other person with love), even if you disagree, both of you will walk away feeling good, not only about yourselves, but also each other. I hope this makes sense. Now back to my point.

This week, after engaging in a conflict with someone I love - that didn’t end quite the way I would’ve liked (i.e., me being right, but the relationship being wounded) - I decided to spend a considerable amount of time with God reflecting on as many “bad endings” as I could remember with those I love. Call it old age or spiritual maturity, but “being right” and “proving I’m right” was starting to leave me feeling less and less satisfied each time.

So I sought God’s guidance; and I would like to share with you what He spoke to my heart and revealed to me about me. In turn, I hope you might be able to pull some wisdom for yourself as you work to strengthen your own relationship with others (especially those you love).

First, God showed me that my passion for truth, although a good thing, has gotten me into trouble, because it’s prevented me from being more compassionate to those I try to share it (truth) with. In other words, He told me:

“Don’t just speak truth with passion, speak it with com-passion.”

Next, God revealed to me that whenever I seek to speak truth to someone, if they try to resist, reject, or ignore it, then I need to just back off. But He told me this way:

“Whenever you feel the need to ‘push’ then you need to ‘pause’.”

This really hit home with me, because so many times other people’s resistance to my point causes me to speak a little louder, be a little more forceful, and push a little harder, until I eventually “push” them away.

Then, God showed me that whenever I anticipated or sensed a conflict with someone, I should pray before I engage. He spoke it to me this way:

“Seek before you speak.”

Simple enough; He suggested I seek His face and "His way" of how I should handle the situation before I seek to get my point across “my way.” And given my track record lately, I have no choice but to follow this advice.

And the last thing God spoke to me was probably the most revealing. He told me that whenever I get into a conflict with someone, I need to make fewer statements and ask more questions. But he said this way:

“Ask more questions and make less accusations.”

Ouch! This was more revealing to me because I never realized I was accusing anyone of anything when I argued with them. But that’s exactly what I was doing. By insisting and proving I was right, I was actually judging and accusing them of being wrong. My job is to speak truth, not to prove it. That's God's job.

But then I ask God another question, “How can I do better?” In addition to the three (3) things he mentioned above, he also gave me three (3) questions to interject into any conflict whenever I see it going downhill:

1. How do you think I should respond to you in this situation?

2. What do you need me to do for you right now?

3. We don’t seem to be connecting with each other, what am I doing wrong?

Although it was painful to see some of my character flaws, I walked away feeling encouraged not condemned, because now I know better. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll always do better in my relationship with others, unless I realize that in any conflict or argument, that it’s not about me, it’s not about them, it’s always about us and God’s best for us. Be blessed my brothers, and stay in His grip!

Head Man in Charge

2010-01-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I decided to start a tradition of allowing my son to share in my “Quiet Time with God” moments; whereas we would sit in my closet, pick a chapter in the Bible and discuss it openly and honestly. Although I was a little reluctant (and maybe selfish) to do it at first, I thought it would be a great opportunity to spend some quality time with him and also help him grow and develop spiritually. Little did I know that his participation would also contribute to my spiritual growth and development as well. It’s funny how God finds so many creative ways to humble us.

Well this morning was one of those times. We decided to read out of Deuteronomy 10, when our discussion took an interesting turn into a totally different direction.

We started reading about Moses and his abuse of the power God had given him. Moses became angry at the Israelites for building a false idol to worship; something God had forbidden. Because of his anger, Moses disobeyed God in his response to the Israelites and was forbidden from entering the Promise Land.

Our (my son and I) discussion immediately, and strangely enough, shifted into a discussion about husbands and wives; please don’t ask me why – I have no idea. Who can know the mind of 13 year old?

Specifically, we got into a discussion about the legal authority God had given man as the spiritual head of the woman – and the abuse of that authority.

My son asked, “Dad, why do men abuse their authority?” Quite a heavy question to drop on a person (at least so early in the morning). Well, as usual, I said a quick prayer hoping God would give me wisdom to answer my son without my ego getting involved. And as usual, God did not disappoint. He revealed to me, that as men, when we hear and think of the word “authority,” we tend to think and equate it to the word “power.”

However, in actuality, when we hear the word “authority,” we should immediately hear and focus our attention on a different word… and that word is “responsibility.”

To help my son gain a better understanding of what I meant and where I was going with this, I had Kendall shift his focus from husband and wife to parent and child. This shift gave both us great clarity. Allow me to explain.

As Kendall’s God-appointed and God-anointed father, I have the legal “authority” over him. Meaning, if I choose, I could demand (and even force and coerce him) to do things against his will and his conscience. In fact, when I told Kendall some of the things I could require him to do or make him do, but choose NOT to, he was amazed (and quite relieved I might add). And out of obligation or fear, he would more than likely feel compelled to do it.

But I told him, however, from God’s perspective, the authority He gave me over him (as a child) actually meant I was responsible FOR him and accountable TO God for his spiritual growth and development.

So likewise, husbands have a God-appointed “responsibility” to their wives. And if a man fully accepts and fulfills his Godly responsibility to his wife, leads by example; nurtures her Spirit; helps her mature in her walk with Christ; and shows her unconditional love; she will more than likely, lovingly and willingly submit and serve under her husband’s “authority” – no different than a child serves and submits to a loving parent. This is no longer done out of obligation or compulsion, but rather out of Godly obedience and respect.

After sharing this insight with my son, I immediately had to repent (openly) for some of the mistakes I’d made during my marriage to his mother. I thanked God for the revelation and wisdom he had just given me concerning “authority,” and I asked him to forgive me for all of those times I used my God-given authority to exercise power instead of accept responsibility. I also asked him to plant and engraft this lesson in my heart and grant me the strength to walk out this truth in my Spirit; and my desire would be to have him do the same for you as well. Be strong my brother, and know you’re in my prayers.

Until next time, stay in His grip!

Finding What You've Lost

2009-07-24T00:29:00.000-07:00

I can’t ever remember a summer quite like the one we’ve experienced this year. There have been numerous untimely deaths of famous people in the public eye, as well as those who were “not so famous” but equally as significant to those who loved them.

One particular death impacted me more than all the others this year. No, it wasn’t Michael Jackson, but rather a young man named Dandrick Moton.

Dandrick was only 33 years old when he died from a rare form of cancer that claimed his life almost immediately. Although I only met Dandrick once (through his mother – a client of mine), he made an indelible impression on me. He was a big, strong young man (then in his late 20’s) with a tender heart who loved the Lord unashamedly.

When I received the news of his death, it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Dandrick was a true servant leader in every sense of word. His sudden death didn’t make any sense to me, because I couldn’t have possibly believed his mission on Earth was done. However, I remember once hearing a quote, "We must trust God even when we can’t track him."

However, my major concern was what kind of comfort could I offer Dandrick’s mom. She and her husband had six children, four girls and two boys; but she and her family had not so long ago lost their oldest son in a fatal car accident just three years ago, and now Dandrick was gone.

So what do you say to someone when life, and in this case death, doesn’t make any sense? We’ve heard all the cliches’ before from, “They’re in a better place now,” to “At least they're no longer in any pain.” No matter how you cut it, pain is still pain, and hurt still hurts, especially when it’s unexplainable and unavoidable.

However, when I told my 13-year old son about Dandrick’s tragic death, and how painful it must be for the family to endure the loss, he gently reminded me of something I once asked him, “Do we really lose someone if we know where to find them?” Of course, this comment refers back to the, “They’re in a better place cliché,” but this time it took on an entirely different meaning.

Several months ago, as I was traveling to (Erie) Pennsylvania on a speaking engagement, I lost my wallet. I had to take three flights (one way) just to get there, so I freaked out trying to remember exactly when and where I had lost it. Was it on the plane, in the airport, on the airport shuttle, and if so, which one and where? To make matters worse, I had a substantial amount of cash in my wallet.

This episode was significant, because if you’ve ever traveled by air, it’s almost close to impossible to get through airport security without any form of identification. So returning home seemed like it would be darn near impossible (or at least time consuming). Not to mention the fact that it was after 2 p.m. and I hadn’t eaten yet, because I had no money, and I couldn’t check into my hotel because I had no credit cards or cash. You can only imagine the kind of stress I was under. The only thing that probably could’ve added to my misery was if they would've lost my luggage (which they didn’t, thank God).

My point is this. Here I was in a place I had never experienced before. Here I was dealing with a loss I didn’t anticipate nor could explain to others. Although I didn’t want to worry, I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know what was going to happen. How would I eat, where would I sleep, how would I survive? All I knew was that my circumstances were out of my control, and all I could do was pray and depend on God for help and comfort. And that’s exactly what I did.

Although I was totally helpless, I watch God work in an amazing, yet simple way. My administrative assistant paid for my hotel room with her credit card; the front desk people at the hotel heard about my predicament and gave me food to eat (on credit), and the hotel continually checked on me to make sure I was taken care of. God showed me that he’s the ultimate provider.

But more importantly, long after I arrived in Erie without my wallet, and after several frantic and futile phone calls to Atlanta and Detroit airports trying to track it down, I received a call from Detroit’s Regional Airport that they had found my wallet; cash included.

Immediately, a peace came over me that’s almost indescribable. I still didn’t know how I was going to get through airport security to even get back to Detroit, but I knew everything would be okay. I had a sense of calm.

When my son reminded me of the question I told him, “Do you really lose someone (and in my case some thing), when you know exactly where to find them?"

Although I couldn’t physically get to my wallet in that moment, I knew exactly where it was. Although I didn’t know exactly when I would get to see my wallet again, I knew I would. And even though I didn’t know what to expect when I finally reunited with my wallet, I was convinced I would appreciate having it a little bit more than I did before. And why was I feeling so confident and at peace? Because deep inside I knew it wasn’t a matter of “IF” I would see my wallet again; it was more a matter of “WHEN.” I just had to be patient and believe in the process.

During all of this, God helped me to grow. Before I even knew they had found my wallet, I sought Him and asked Him for peace. I asked him to comfort me and ease my sense of loss. I asked him to help me stop beating myself up over what I could’ve and should’ve done differently to have avoided the loss. And I also cried out to him to take care of me and provide for me, because I couldn’t do it myself.

I know it’s a stretch equating the loss of a loved one to losing a wallet, but when it comes to God, no experience, whether it’s big or small, is ever wasted if we search for God in the details.

As I personally deal with Dandrick’s death in my own way, I can’t help but take comfort in the fact that we didn’t really "lose" Dandrick; because we know exactly where to find him. It’s not a question of IF, it’s only a matter of WHEN. I just pray that God grants Dandrick’s family the patience to endure. Until next time, stay in His grip!

God's Broken Promises

2009-07-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

How many times have people made promises to you they never kept? How many times has someone given you their word, only to treat it more like a political statement than a promise? How many times have you counted on someone to “be there” for you, but they let you down and disappointed you (or worse abandoned you)? I know, probably too many times than you care to remember.

But let me ask you this. How many promises have you’ve broken to others? How many times have you not kept your word? How many times have you let others down?

No matter how you slice it, we’re all guilty of breaking a promise (or two) or not keeping our word. However, we often try to justify our lie, disappointment, unfaithfulness, or failure as an isolated incident because, “Hey, nobody’s perfect, right?”

We also tend to minimize our failure (and slip in character) by comparing ourselves to the person (or people) who’ve screwed up more times than we have. This proverbial scorecard allows us to minimize the guilt while maintaining our self esteem.

But regardless of how you look at, wrong is still wrong, and failure is still failure. But on the flip side of that, you shouldn’t allow wrong to end in worry nor failure to be final. As long as there’s breath in your lungs, there’s still time to “do the right thing” and to make things right, even when you get less than “perfect” results.

I say all of this, because I received a humbling revelation this morning as I sought God in my quiet time. I read out of the book of Jeremiah (Chapter 18).

I recounted all the times I told people (especially men), “We need to boldly hold God accountable to His promises.” Now don’t misunderstand me; I’m not saying God owes us anything. Because in reality, He’s already given us everything – His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ.

No, rather I’m talking about the fact that God has given us the privilege and the divine right to approach Him, out of reverence and by faith, to remind Him of what He said and “promised” to us in His Word. In fact, I truly believe God actually smiles whenever we do that, because it (our attitude) exhibits all the character traits He desires to see in us:

Humility
Dependence
Trust
Faith

In other words, our boldness in reminding Him of His promise is in actuality saying to Him that we expect Him to deliver on His promises. It’s no different than my son reminding me, “Dad, you said you were going to take me to the beach this summer.” “Dad, you said you were going to play catch with me today.” “Dad, you said we were going to the movies.” I don’t get upset when he reminds me, only when he gets impatient after I told him I would (note: that’s a lesson in itself).

However, after reading Jeremiah 18, the Holy Spirit revealed one simple truth I seemed to overlook about redeeming God’s promises. The fact that God is only obligated to keep His promise to us IF and WHEN we fulfill our part of the promise to Him (which is obedience). In other words, God is not required or obligated to bless our mess.

He said in His Word…

“ALL THINGS will be added unto me IF I seek Him.”
“ALL THINGS will work together for my good IF I love Him”.
“He will REWARD me IF I remain in diligent pursuit of Him.”
“My LIFE will be long IF I honor my parents.”
“I will receive BLESSINGS I can’t contain IF honor and test Him with the tithe.”

And the list of promises go on and on. Just like my relationship with God, my son doesn’t have to do anything to “earn” my love; he already has it unconditionally. However, I do expect my son to do certain things out of respect, honor, and obedience towards me whenever I ask. If he chooses not to do those things, he must understand that even as his father, I love him, but I’m not obligated to bless the mess (he created).

So God, I thank you for such a simple but life-transforming word today. Forgive me, and the men I minister to, for all the times we’ve expected you to bless us in the middle of our disobedience. And forgive me for blaming you in the past for unfulfilled promises in my life when I didn’t keep my end of the deal. God, thank you for loving me, and loving us, through those times, and please give us the strength to do better.

Until next time, stay strong and stay in His grip!

I AM Today: Living in the Moment!

2009-06-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

My son and I spent our “Quiet Time” studying God’s Word today, and our discussion took many turns and headed into many different directions.

However, I posed a question to him I wanted both of us to discuss and contemplate. And the question was this:

“Is it possible to go an entire day without sinning?”

My son’s immediate response was, “No, that’s impossible.” Even at the age of 13, he understood that sinning wasn’t just about bad “doing,” but it also included bad "thinking" and a bad “being” (i.e., our attitude).

However, I reminded him that Jesus successfully did it (lived without sin) for 33 years; therefore, doing it for just one day shouldn’t be impossible. Should it not? And he agreed.

So we agreed to change the question from, “Is it possible NOT to sin for a day?” to, “HOW could we make it possible?”

This question alone changed our focus and allowed us to examine HOW Jesus did it and the challenges that could prevent us from doing the same.

In this process, we discovered the following four lessons:

Jesus was successful because he was willfully obedient to God.

Jesus was totally surrendered and submitted to God in his thoughts, emotions, and actions (i.e., what he did and said).

We struggle (as human beings) with being totally surrendered and submitted to God because we think, feel, and act in reaction to our yesterdays and tomorrows (i.e., we constantly worry about what happened and what will happen).

All things are possible in Christ Jesus when we willfully choose to take life beat by beat, breath by breath, moment by moment, and step by step (i.e., truly live in the moment).

Our conclusion was, if we could learn to concentrate on obedience, surrender, and submission in the “NOW moments” of our lives, then the great I AM would spiritually sustain us throughout the day. And those days would eventually add up to a bunch of tomorrows.

So until next time, stay in the moment, and stay in His grip!

Speaking the Truth

2009-05-24T10:48:00.000-07:00

One thing I’ve learned about being a man is that when it comes to communicating with others, we usually speak three types of truths:

Half truths
Exaggerated truths
Absolute truths

On the surface, you would think, as long as we’re not telling a flat out lie, then any one of these truths would suffice whenever we interact with others (especially with women).

However, during my journey through this thing called “manhood,” I’ve come to realize that each truth comes attached with a unique set of problems, and the only real truth that matters is the only one that’s not listed above, and that God’s truth. Allow me to briefly explain each one in detail. And to make things simple, let’s use an example most of us can relate to: running into an old girlfriend (who sparked some old emotions you thought were dead) and your current girlfriend (or wife) asks you about it.

Let’s start with a half truth. We speak a half truth when we’re only willing to tell the parts we want the other person to know about it, sparing them the blow-by-blow details that could cast us in a less than favorable light.

For example, your girlfriend asks you, “How was your day today, anything interesting happened?”

Now many guys would tell what we like to call a “convenient truth” better known as a “white lie,” by saying, “My day was all right, nothing really interesting happened.”

But if you’re the kind of person who desires to be honest with the woman you love, you might be tempted to tell her a half truth by saying, “My day was okay, but you wouldn’t believe who I ran into? My ex of all people.” Now if the conversation would stop right there, this would be fine, because there’s nothing fabricated, exaggerated, or eliminated from the experience.

However, when your current girlfriend (wife) asks, “Well, what happened? Where did you see her? What did she say to you? How did she look? How did you respond? How did you feel when you saw her?” (Note: most women won’t ask just one question).

This is when a half truth is most likely to rear its ugly head. Yes, you may tell her you saw your ex, but you might conveniently leave out the part about how “good” she looked, your rush of old emotions, her comments about how good you looked, and your agreement to keep in touch with each other on Face Book. To give "all these details" would be considered speaking the “absolute truth.”

The exaggerated truth in this case would be to downplay any emotions you felt, her appearance, and how happy you are no longer being in a relationship with her. The problem with exaggerated truths is that it puts you in a state of denial and prevents you from confronting the real issues in your life (i.e., your fears, doubts, and insecurities). This refusal to acknowledge what is real stifles your ability to grow and strengthen your character. Although we’re using a relationship as an example, exaggerating the truth is really prevalent in men when we talk about our jobs, income, our status, our strengths and weaknesses, and our relationship with our mate.

On the other hand, the problem with half truths is the problem of the other person getting their hands on the other half of the truth. Half truths are usually a slippery slope into lying, deceit, and manipulation. The problem with half-truths (especially when told to you), is that you may grab hold to the wrong half. A half truth only invites drama into a relationship and should be avoided as much as possible. Trust me, I know, I’ve been there, and I have the T-shirt to prove it.

Well, what about the absolute truth? I know what you’re thinking, “Joe, wouldn’t that only cause an argument that could escalate into something bigger?” Yes, maybe, if you said something like:

“Man, my ex was hotter than the Arizona heat in July. I couldn’t believe how good she looked. In fact, she never looked that good when I dated her. I’m not going to lie, if I wasn’t seeing you, I would’ve tried to hook up with her. I even told her to keep in touch with me on Face Book.”

That’s why I wouldn’t advise telling the absolute truth. See, I’ve often prided myself (quite arrogantly I must admit) on telling the absolute truth – i.e., nothing but the facts, nothing less, regardless of the consequences. Although that sounds great to most women and darn right frightening to most men, I’ve learned it’s not always the best way to cultivate and nurture a relationship.

What I’m saying is to remember that the truth can sometimes hurt. That doesn’t mean to say you should “avoid” telling someone the truth if it hurts, but I do believe you should use Godly wisdom in doing so. That’s why I believe the fourth truth is the truth you should tell, and that’s “God’s truth.”

What is God’s truth? It’s telling the truth in love - with compassion and empathy for the other person. It’s speaking the truth in humility (which I often lacked), sharing it in a way YOU would want it shared with you (unless you’re a glutton for punishment). In this way, you show respect towards your mate, for yourself, and your relationship.

For example, what if you said this:

“I saw my ex today, and I must admit, she looked good. I was really surprised, because when I saw her, I actually missed her a little bit, until I thought about why we broke up. I told her to connect with me on Face Book, but after I left, I felt kind of bad, because I could have given her the wrong impression. What do you think?”

Yes, this may lead into an even deeper discussion with your girlfriend (wife) that you really don’t want to have. But I guarantee you, it will actually deepen and strengthen your relationship with her because you were willing to be open and honest with her. Contrary to popular opinion, women are not attracted to “men of steel,” they’re attracted to “transparent men” who have strong character. Speaking God’s truth will allow you to become that type of man.

Even if you doubt me, just remember, as long as you speak the truth, you’ll never have to hide from it. Until next time, stay in His grip!

Achieving Your Dream

2009-04-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

When I was a full-time professor, I can’t begin to tell you how many students would come up to me and openly share their dreams and aspirations with me. I guess because I often talked about pursuing our God-given purpose and having a vision bigger than ourselves. And as a result, I believe most students (especially young men) felt very comfortable and confident in sharing some of their most treasured and deepest aspirations with me.

Soon after they would share (in vivid details) the desires of their hearts, they would eventually ask me the million dollar question, “So what do you think Professor Martin, do you think I can do it?” They would stare with the anticipation of a 7-year old child on Christmas Eve searching my eyes and heart for approval and affirmation of their dream. Because like me, most of these young men didn’t have strong adult male-figure in their life who encouraged and affirmed them to let them know they were strong enough, talented enough, and fully equipped to achieve the deepest desires of their hearts.

However, my response to each of them (without exception) as they hung onto my every word was always the same, “Well, it isn’t a question of WHAT you want, but rather HOW BAD do you want it?” In other words, “What are you willing to do to get it?”

See, the truth of the matter is most people are just not that committed to getting what they want. Yes, they really WANT it, but they're not willing to do what it takes to get it. For instance, when it came to college, I can't describe in words how bad I wanted to succeed in college. Not only would I be the first person in family to go to college, I would be the first in my family to graduate from high school; I was obsessed with success. I WAS NOT going to be denied. I was willing to endure racist professors, boring teachers, irrelevant courses, insensitive administrators, bad roommates, lazy classmates, being broke, being rejected, you name it. Because my WHY for going to college was bigger than my problems. My WHY was bigger than any person, professor, or predicament I faced.

See, neither I, or anyone else can GIVE you a strong enough desire to succeed and achieve what you want in life. In other words, YOU have to want it bad enough (for your own reasons). And YOU must be willing to do whatever it takes to ultimately get to where you want to go – in spite of where you came from, what you’ve been through, or what others have done to you.

I wish I could offer every young man I meet a pill that could give him a burning desire for success and achievement with the commitment level to match. Because if I could, I'd be rich.

Success in life IS and will always be an “inside job.” And that inside job starts with your level of commitment to paying the price for what you want. Know that anything in life worth having is always going to cost you something. It may not always be money, but it will definitely involve commitment and some required action on your part. Even the salvation God offers us through His Son Jesus Christ requires a confession on our part (of sin and the need for forgiveness).

So check out the desires of your heart, and ask yourself two simple questions:

1.) How bad do I REALLY want this?
2.) What am I WILLING to do to get it?

And if your answer is not equivalent to a “Whatever it takes” response, it would be safe to assume you really don’t want it bad enough…yet. But only you and God will know the truth. So stay strong my brother, and stay in His grip.

Lacking Motivation

2009-03-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

They say that procrastination is the thief of time. But I would dare to say that procrastination is also thief of dreams. So many times, we want to receive the best, but we often put off or fail to discipline ourselves to take the necessary steps to obtain it.

A question I’m often asked by students (particularly young men) is, “How come it’s so hard to get and stay motivated towards your goals?” They usually go on to say, “It’s not like I don’t want to be successful, but sometimes I just don’t ‘feel’ like doing what needs to be done; I’m just going through the motions.”

I can hear the frustration, and often disappointment, in their voice as they seek to understand what that secret key or formula is for “staying motivated.” I have to assure them that “lacking motivation” is actually normal, and there’s nothing wrong with them. Unfortunately, there’s no secret cure to procrastination or mental laziness, but there is a way to break out it and that’s through awareness and understanding.

See, the first step to solving any problem is to admit you have one. The next step after that is gaining an understanding of the root cause of the problem. I once heard a saying, “If you’re not happy with the fruit (what you’re producing in your life), you must change the root (i.e., what you’re planting in your life)." So, if you’re like me and you’re not afraid to acknowledge that you suffer from chronic procrastination, then we can explore (together) why we actually do it.

At the risk of oversimplifying the problem, the main reason most people procrastinate is either they lack a strong enough reason (i.e., a purpose or pleasure to be gained - called your "WHY") or they associate too much pain to actually doing it. For the sake of simplification, let’s pick something many young men struggle with when it comes to a lack of motivation or chronic procrastination: success in school/college. Allow me to explain how procrastination steals our motivation to succeed.

Success in school is NOT based on a student's IQ, but rather his I WILL. And unfortunately, most students lack a strong I WILL (even the smartest ones) because they don't have a strong enough "WHY" for succeeding in school. Your "WHY" for anything is the key to your success, not only in school/college, but also in life.

See, once you have a strong "WHY" for doing something, the "HOW to do it" becomes very easy or fairly obvious. So what I'm saying (and I hope I don't lose you) is that whenever we use the excuse, “I don't know HOW to do something (successfully) or WHY I’m not motivated to do it," it’s because we haven't developed a strong of enough WHY for doing it in the first place. Your WHY (whether to avoid pain or gain pleasure) will always “motivate” you to figure out a way. Allow me to show you this concept in action.

I was the first person in my family to graduate from high school - let alone go to college. And I wanted to go to college, but I had no clue how to succeed if I ever got there (I barely graduated from high school). But my WHY for going to college became:

"To move my mother out of the projects and to become a positive example for my younger sister."

Was that WHY strong enough? For me, Yes! It motivated me to graduate early from college at the top of my class and got me voted "Student of the Year" in my major. Not only did I move my mother out of the projects (a year after I graduated), my younger sister went on to become the first doctor in our family. The HOW revealed itself after I got to college (not before). And that WHY pushed me through my battles with procrastination and kept me motivated (consistently).

My point is this, if you see mediocre results in your life, always check your WHY. More than likely, mediocre results spring from a mediocre WHY (or misdirected one). Great results usually spring from a great WHY. Just look back on history - Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Ghandi, Mother Theresa, etc. Even Oprah Winfrey and Halle Berry. Strengthen your WHY and you'll strengthen your results. Yes, it's that simple.

I must also note, there's actually no such thing as a "wrong" (or even "right") WHY; there's only weak ones and strong ones (to you). See, what's right for me could be wrong for you (and vice versa). Moving your family out of the ghetto may not "motivate" you. However, when it comes down to it, a STRONG WHY will motivate you to break records (or laws) and a WEAK WHY won't. Does that make sense?

Well, if you need someone to review your WHY statement, let me know. Just email it to me (jmartin@rwuniversity.com) to review, and I'll take you through the test to see if it's "strong" enough to motivate you (I have my ways - ☺). In the meantime, stay strong, stay motivated, and stay in His grip!

Turning Your Life Around

2009-03-16T16:32:00.000-07:00

People who know me, know that I’ve endured many hardships in my life. As difficult as I’ve had it, I know deep in my heart my life could’ve been much worse - because I’ve seen others who’ve had it (life) a lot worse.

Having survived and endured, abuse, addiction, poverty, the death of loved ones, violence, divorce, insecurity, and the effects of alcoholism (just to name a few), I’ve been blessed to have had (and still do) the unconditional support of my family through all of my trials and tribulations (even when I didn't always appreciate them). Because as I suffered through the hurt and pain of my life, I soon discovered that hurting people (who don’t seek help) usually turn around and hurt others or even themselves (and in my case both).

Picking up the pieces from all the hurtful mistakes you’ve made and the people you’ve hurt is a burden I wouldn’t wish on any person. But “staying the course” after you’ve “changed direction” can be equally as challenging. Trust me, I know.
With that being said, I want to address a topic I know is close to a lot of men’s hearts after they’ve “turned their lives around” and are now trying to “live right” and grow spiritually and emotionally as mature men.

See, I’ve struggled with my own spiritual growth (still do), having lost my way on several occasions. But I thank God for His mercy and His grace. No matter which direction we choose to go in life, God mercifully allows us to make U-turns (before we hit “dead ends”). And for that, I’m eternally grateful.

During one of the toughest moments in my “spiritual re-growth” God revealed to me a plan (more like a formula) to help me get out of my rut, back on track, and at the same time, stay the course. I want to share with you that formula, and hopefully, it helps you “find you way” back home if you ever lose your way. It’s simple to understand, but often difficult to apply. Here it is…

1. Surrender
2. Submit
3. Pray
4. Obey

That’s it. Simple, huh? Well, allow me to explain each step as you see how you can apply it to your life.

First, when I was at my lowest point (emotionally and spiritually), I found myself saying things like, “God I’m trying to do the best I can, but I keep falling and failing. It just seems like I can’t do (make) it.” That’s when God spoke to my heart and said, “Good Joe, NOW I can help you.” See, God was waiting for me to SURRENDER my perceived control over the situation (my life). I had to realize that I couldn’t do it alone. I’ve tried on several occasions, and it just didn’t work. So I adopted this new phrase:

“God I can’t, but YOU can. Will you please help me?”

Once you do this, you’ll soon realize that the help you need will come in ways you’ve never imagined (through people, a change in your circumstances, new opportunities, opportune timing, etc.). You just have to surrender.

Second, when I accepted the fact that I needed help and I couldn’t “fix things” alone, I realized that I had to take the next step: do it God’s way, not MY way. In otherwords, SUBMIT. See, as human beings, we don’t just want “things,” we want things “our” way. I had to accept the fact that God’s way is infinitely better than my way. So I had to adopt the following new phrase:

“God not MY will, but YOUR will be done; not MY way, but YOUR way; and not for my reasons, but for YOUR reasons.”

Third, knowing that I couldn’t do it alone and His way was better than mine, I found that I didn’t know HOW to carry out His will (it seemed so difficult). You can usually figure out when it’s God’s way – because you know it’s the right way, but it usually makes you uncomfortable doing it; because you’re not used to doing it His way. So again, I needed help. So I had to PRAY – and this is what I said (and still say):

“God, please give me the strength and show me HOW to do it YOUR way.”

Lastly, after surrendering, submitting, and praying, the answer was clear (on what to do and what needed to be done). The only question left was, “Am I willing to do it?” I am sure you’ve heard the saying, “God will never do for you that which you can do for yourself.” He’ll show you the door (even pry it open for you), but YOU must make a decision to walk through it. I call this “action through obedience.” That’s why the toughest step is always the first one. After surrendering, submitting, and praying, I had to OBEY; so I said to God, boldly:

“Yes, I will…starting NOW! I will obey you.”

This process has never failed me. Like adding 2+2, it’s always going to be 4. However, the one thing I learned as I used this formula to climb out of deep spiritual holes in my life, is that this isn’t a one-time process…it’s a life-long process. I must do it over and over again whenever I see myself getting off the “straight and narrow” path (of what I know is right).

I hope you find life in these words, and I hope you continue to seek truth that speaks to your Spirit. If you have questions, you can always write me. Stay strong, stay in His grip, and as always, live purposefully.

Overcoming Overwhelm

2007-05-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

Have too much time on your hands? Always bored? Don’t have enough to do every day? Yeah, right!

Just one day, wouldn’t you like to respond to someone when they ask you, “How are you doing” by saying, “Man, I feel like I have time to burn; I don’t know what to do with myself.” Unfortunately, in the “real world,” the problem isn’t having enough to do, but having too much to do with very little time to accomplish it.

As I write this article (TODAY), I need to get packed for my trip to Arkansas at 5 p.m., mail out Mother’s Day cards before I leave, register for a seminar at my church before my flight, prepare for a conference call at 1 p.m., and get dressed. Did I mention it's a little before 10 a.m.? I’ve been up since 8:30 a.m. and I’ve already had my prayer time, worked on a draft of a business idea, and I’ve responded to three business calls (without time to eat breakfast).

Obviously, overwhelm is creeping in on me right now. And maybe it’s not a good time to write this article, but on the other hand, maybe it’s a perfect time. Because I’m under the gun to get a lot of things done, fast. So the question is how do you overcome the burden of overwhelm?

Well, allow me to offer you three quick tips (hey, I don’t have a lot of time here):

1. Share it (wisely)

Usually we become overwhelmed with overwhelm because we suffer in silence. As men, we want people to believe we’re on top of everything in our lives; it’s a sign of strength, control, and power. But the truth of the matter, most people are overwhelmed – with school, their job, their finances, their relationship, their family, and whatever else you can think of.

The remedy is NOT to suffer in silence. Now, I’m not saying to go whining like a toddler who just lost his pacifier. But confide in someone who will keep you encouraged, hopeful, and even offer you some suggestions or advice on how to lighten the load (even if it’s just an offer of prayer).

Yes, life isn’t easy, but it was never meant to be endured alone. So share your burden (regardless of what it is) with someone you trust, who’s positive, and who can help.

A good example is me sharing my current overwhelm problem with you (through writing this article). Even though you can’t give me support or encourage me, you can still offer a prayer for me. At the minimum, me sharing this helps me to release a little of the internal pressure that is mounting. All I know is that It beats suffering in silence.

2. Own it (responsibly)

This is the tough part of dealing with “overwhelm.” You must be willing to admit what you’ve done to contribute to the problem. I know it’s much easier to blame work, our mate, family, responsibilities, and others for putting too much of a demand on us. But the truth of the matter is, we have a responsibility to bare as well.
For example, here are just a few questions we need to ask ourselves concerning our current situation:

- Am I saying “yes” to things I should have said “no” to?
- Do I focus more on doing things that just “feel good to me” or doing things that are “good for me”?
- Am I trying to please too many people?
- Have I been true to myself about pursuing my priorities and keeping my commitments?
- Have I ignored the “important” just to accomplish the “urgent”?
- Is there any trace of laziness in my character and my schedule?
- Should I have delegated some of my responsibilities to someone I trust?
- Do I spend more time worrying about problems or strategizing solutions?
- Do I plan my day or do I just respond to it?

I think you get the point. One reason I can’t complain about by current “overwhelm” situation is that some of my responsibilities could have been prevented (not answering earlier calls, packing the night before, delegating, registering sooner, or writing this article next week). How can I curse the monster, when I created him?
Examine yourself, and see if you’ve been part of the problem or part of the solution.

3. Praise it (joyously)

Jack Canfield, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, said in his latest book “Success Principles” that there’s a simple formula that determines the kind of results we get in life. He said (EVENT) + (RESPONSE) = (OUTCOME). Basically, he’s saying that it’s not about what happens to us (the event), but rather how we respond to what happens to us that dictates our outcome.

I know this may sound crazy, but I think the best way to “respond” to overwhelm (even if you’ve caused it), is to rejoice! That’s right, thank God for the burden of responsibility you bare. I know this doesn’t make sense, but allow me to explain.
No matter how hard I work, there will always be tons of things to do on my “TO DO” list; and I’m sure you feel the same way. Well, since I can’t change that (unless I just stop doing anything for anyone – including myself), then I might as well focus on the one thing I CAN change, and that’s my attitude about the situation.

Case in point, it’s now 12:30 p.m. and I have a conference call at 1:00 p.m. (I actually took a small break to get dressed and respond to one phone call), and I still haven’t mailed out my Mother’s Day cards and packed for my trip, and registered for the conference. However, I’m not “freaking out” or having an anxiety attack over it. Instead, I’ve decided to adopt a positive attitude about it. I still have four and half hours before my flight, and I’m thankful that I enjoy what I do for a living. Also, I made a pact with God that I wouldn’t start worrying about anything until AFTER if happens. That was an “attitude choice.”

So in essence, I won’t allow overwhelm to get the best of me UNTIL my plane takes off without me; UNTIL I can’t find any clean underwear to pack for my trip; UNTIL they run out of tickets for the seminar; and UNTIL my 1:00 p.m. conference goes past 1:30 p.m. Otherwise, I will rejoice, praise God for my health (today), all my other personal blessings, and focus on doing the best I can with what I have. Basically, what I’m saying is if “overwhelm” is a choice, so is “peace.”

I hope these three strategies will help lighten the load of overwhelm in your life (just a little). For now, stay strong, and stay in His grip!

Your Decision, Your Destiny, You Decide!

2006-11-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

One of the most difficult truths in life to accept is the fact that “our decisions determine our destiny.”
As simple as this lesson is, it’s also one of the most humbling lessons to learn. When we look at our day to day schedules, routines, and appointments, we’ve become so accustomed to making decisions (on the run), that we typically react instead of anticipate; making decisions casually, instead of purposefully.

Why is this such a big deal? Because even the most minor decisions can have monumental consequences. Just look at some of the casual decisions we have to make on any given morning:

- What time should I get up in the morning?
- What should I wear?
- What should I eat this morning?
- What should I listen to on my commute to work or class?
- What task should I tackle first at work?

Now at first glance, these daily decisions seem somewhat minor. But if you closer, even “small decisions,” made (consistently), can influence our destiny. So let’s revisit each of these decisions, shall we.

1.) What time should I get up in the morning?

Making a conscious and informed decision about what time to get up can influence how much quiet time you have before you go to work (to meditate, pray, or plan); whether or not you’re forced to speed through traffic (increasing the risk of accident or reducing it); whether or not you’re rushing to get out of the house and forgetting to do something important (like turning off the iron, locking the door, etc.). All of these things can contribute to your stress level.

2.) What should I wear?

If made consciously, your attire can affect your attitude (and perception) on the job. When you look good, you feel good, and when you think you look bad, you feel bad. How you dress in the morning also communicates something about yourself to others. Are you confident, lazy, clean, competent, tasteful, etc.? Our appearance makes an impression whether we like it or not. Ultimately, this decision (made consistently) could influence your ability to get a raise (on the job) or a particular grade (in the classroom).

3.) What should I eat?

Need I say, you are what you eat? And over time, if you eat crap, you’re going to feel like crap. And when you start feeling like crap, you start looking like crap. Is there anything more important than our health? Well, our daily decisions on what we choose to eat (or not eat) indicate that we don’t take our health serious enough.

4.) What should I listen to on my commute to work/school?

They say that radio is like bubble gum for the ears – it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. What if you changed what you listened to in the morning from sports talk radio, political commentary, news, or music to something that is spiritually uplifting (i.e., praise and worship music), emotionally inspiring (i.e., a powerful sermon or feel good testimonials), or educationally enhancing (i.e., foreign language instruction, how to be more productive on the job, or a skill-based CD), do you think you could eventually end up in a better place spiritually, emotionally, mentally, financially, physically, and socially? Of course you would.

5.) What task should I tackle first?

What if instead of responding to what’s most urgent, you decided to focus on what’s most important, do you think you might feel better about the start of your day? Do you think you might be more productive?
As decision makers, we all procrastinate on something – because we don’t like to face the real consequences associated with our lack of motivation. But putting “first things first” and making a conscious effort not to deviate from that plan, we will definitely find ourselves on the road to success instead of the detour to stress.

And these are only decisions we make before 10 a.m. What about those that occur later on in the day, like:

- Should I workout today?
- Should I study tonight?
- Should I take my work home with me?
- When should I call it quits today?
- What time should I go to bed?

I think you get the point. But just for educational purposes. Look at the last five decisions, and ask yourself, “How could each of these immediate decisions potentially influence my long-term success?” You’ll see indeed, that “our decisions definitely do determine our destiny.” So I challenge you today to make some “destiny decisions.” Go for it!

Where Do I Go From Here?

2006-03-01T14:10:00.000-08:00

One of the best decisions a man can ever make in his life is to intentionally decide to commit himself to pursuing his God-given purpose in life. You know what I mean by “purpose” - that thing you want to do that makes your heart sing, your blood boil, and your spirit soar; that thing in life that gets you up in the morning without the assistance of an alarm clock. Now if you haven’t discovered what that “thing” is, you might want to visit my website – www.RWuniversity.com - and click on the “Find Your Purpose” exercise (it’s free). In less than an hour, you’ll have a better idea what that “thing” is.

But it’s one thing to NOT know your purpose, but it’s another thing to KNOW it, but NOT know what to do once you know it. See, there are four questions in life we ALL want answers to: 1.) Who am I? 2.) Why am I here? 3.) Where am I going? And 4.) How do I get there from here? Men (and women) spend their entire lives searching for the answers to these four challenging questions. But for now, I’m going to assume you already have a clue of what you were put on this Earth to do; so I want to focus on the four things I believe you must do (after you’ve found it) in order to pursue your purpose properly and productively.

First, spend time exploring your MOTIVES for what you want and desire to pursue in life. If your motives aren’t pure, then you probably shouldn’t pursue it (whatever IT is). The test for pure motives is to always ask, (at least in my opinion) “Does it bring me joy, and at the same time, bring joy to other people?” In other words, does my pursuits produce mutual blessings, for me AND others? If the joy of your pursuit is one-sided (on either end), then it either makes you selfish or a martyr; we shouldn’t be either.

Second, spend time around other PASSIONATE, purposeful people. They say enthusiasm is contagious, and I agree. I don’t know about you, but I love spending time around passionate people (those who have conviction in something greater than themselves). Being around passionate people inspires us, supports us, and nurtures our spirit; because in the end, we’re either “influencing” others or they’re “infecting” us. So if you find, for some reason, you can’t positively influence others, at least find someone who will positively (and passionately) “infect” you. Passionate people will always keep you encouraged as you pursue your purpose in life.

Third, spend time doing your RESEARCH. Act like you're a detective, by finding people who are either doing exactly what you want to do or pursuing what you want to do (or who's doing at least one aspect of what you'd ultimately like to do). For example, I haven't found anyone who's doing exactly what I want to do (professionally). But I've been blessed to find many people who are either teaching, writing, speaking, coaching, or running web sites to help students and educators. Each one of these people has helped me to create and find my unique niche in the world, by sharing their professional experiences and the necessary steps they’ve taken along their journey.

And finally, spend time PRAYING for guidance, direction, and strength. I believe knowing WHAT we want is only a third of the battle. The other parts of the battle include knowing HOW to do it and knowing WHICH road to take to get there. People can teach you how to do something (that’s why you do research), but I believe only God can show you how to get there from here (by creating the opportunities, circumstances, and safeguards to get you there in one piece). So remember to always lean and depend on Him to show you which way to go. And don’t worry, even if you get lost (like I often do), He allows U-turns.

The Purpose-Driven Life

2006-01-23T23:48:00.000-08:00

Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going? How do I get there from here? I believe these are four questions that every man (and woman) is looking for answers to (or at least wonders about)? Even my 9-year old son (soon to be 10) is curious about “his purpose” in life. Even though he doesn’t understand the intricacies of life, even he wonders what he was put on this Earth to do.

I’m just thankful that God has blessed me with the opportunity to be the one to help him “find his way.” As a speaker and educator, I’m constantly asked by students to give them answers to some of life’s most challenging questions – like the ones I mentioned above. Unfortunately, they’re disappointed when I tell them I can’t do it. I tell them in actuality, no one can. As humans, we can only assist people in finding their purpose, we can’t give them one or tell them what it is, and here’s why.
If you want to know the purpose of a thing, you can’t ask the thing (or something similar); you have to ask the maker of the thing (i.e., the manufacturer). The manufacturer predetermined what the product would do and accomplish BEFORE he or she built it. See, the problem is, most of us go to “other products” to find out what the purpose of our product is. It’s kind of silly when you think about it. If cars could speak, why would a car ask another car, what’s its purpose? The car, the driver, and even the mechanic can only tell the car what they think its purpose is based on their own experience with other cars. But who do you think knows more about that particular make and model car than ANYONE else? That’s right, the manufacturer – the one who drafted the plans, crafted the idea, and envisioned its use.
So, when a student asks me, “What is my purpose?” I always re-direct them to the manufacturer (whoever they believe that is for them). Personally, I believe God is my manufacturer; He’s my creator, my designer, my author, my architect, and my sculptor. Everything I am (all of my features and faults) he created. I entered this world through my mother’s womb (with the help of my father), but I believe I was conceived in the mind of God BEFORE my mother and dad even “hooked up.”
Although I don’t believe we can define anyone’s purpose for them, I do believe we can help each other find it, by getting each other to ask better questions of our manufacturer and us allowing our manufacturer to reveal it to us in our heart. If this sounds a little to deep for comfort, allow me to make it very simple.
I believe there are three general steps in finding, accepting, and living your true purpose in life. In order to understand this process, I will use a simple metaphor – a gift. You are a gift. Your life is a gift. Your gift is made up of your unique, talents, skills, gifts, and abilities – what I like to call your spiritual DNA (your desires, nature, and abilities). If you can grasp this concept – of YOU being a gift, the rest of the explanation will be easy to understand. So take a moment to make sure you understand this concept.
Okay, with that in mind, here’s the process of finding, accepting, and living your purpose:
1. Identify WHAT your gift is (i.e., your unique talents, skills, gifts, and abilities) – If you don’t already know this, visit www.RWuniversity.com and click on the “Find Your Purpose” exercise to assist you.
2. Determine WHO you would like to share “your gift” with the most (i.e., in your heart of hearts, who do you think could benefit most from your gift?). Identify at least three groups (ex. For me, it’s students, teachers, and parents).
3. Choose HOW you’d like to give your gift away. Meaning, there are several ways to share your gift with others; for me it’s teaching, speaking, writing, creating, and researching, among other things. This is when you put your “gift” into action; it’s how you’re going to earn a living doing what you love. The great thing is that you don’t have to pick just one way. Pick the way (or ways) that excites you the most. This is where passion comes from, when you give your gift away.
Guess what? That’s it! The purpose of life is simply to know what your gift is, and to use it in a way that benefits others while bringing joy to your manufacturer (all at the same time). The way I personally describe it is simply this: to use my God-given gifts (to communicate, motivate, and educate) to achieve God-given goals (to serve and support others). I would encourage you to adopt your own mission statement for your life, and it let it be your compass. Because one of the worst things you could ever do in life is to NOT know what you want, but spend all of your life trying to get it. Think about it.

Life Should Be Spent, Not Saved

2006-01-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

When asked "What's the biggest fear in a man's life?" Many men will respond with answers ranging from death to being in debt (and being unable to avoid both). Well personally, I found that men have a hidden fear that most will never share with others. In fact, it's not just a fear that men have, but humans in general. However, as men, we tend to talk about it less than women do. So, what's that fear? It's the fear of living a wasted life.

Yes, I know, the fear of dying is strong. However, the fear of living a life that didn't matter is downright scary. Think about it; as a little boy, you probably dreamed of being a super hero or superstar athlete. Why, because their lives seemed to matter, and people revered and cheered them. In a little boy's heart, he longs to be someone who men would look up to and women would desire. And if we were totally honest with ourselves, we still feel that way from time to time.

But I can't imagine anything worse than having reached the end of one's life, and to discover that no one other than our family members and closest friends would miss us. But a deeper question still needs to be asked and addressed, "Other than to my family and friends, did my life really matter?" From being a "motivational" speaker and professor, I must admit, most men I've met with (privately) have answered this unavoidable question with a regrettable "no." And at one point in my life, I was one of them.

When I'm asked, why would most men feel their life had no significance? My response has always been the same, because we spend more time trying to "save" our life from "things" instead of "spending" our life on "things that matter." What "things" am I referring to? You know what I'm talking about. We "spend" most of our lives trying to save ourselves from financial debt, being hurt, being disrespected, losing our pride, appearing too sensitive, being hurt, being scared, being unemployed, being embarrassed, struggling, you name it.

Well, the truth of the matter is, life was never meant to be saved, it was meant to be spent..preferably on something that is bigger than ourselves (that will out last us). Too many times, we sacrifice the people we love for the safety of our soul. But in reality, no one makes it out of this world alive. So I think a better investment would be in those "things" that will out-live and out-last us. No, I'm not saying to ignore your own needs and desires, but I am asking you to step outside of yourself for just a minute to look at the bigger picture. How you live your life now, and what you "spend" your life on will be your message to the world when you're gone. And I don't know about you, but when I leave this earth, I hope that people say that I made this world a better place because I was in it, not because I left it.

So on your mark, get set, get ready...start spending your life on "things that matter."

Success vs. Significance

2005-12-10T11:09:00.000-08:00

As men, we are generally taught to pursue success over significance. If you don't believe me, just ask the average high school-aged, male student,"What do you want to be when you graduate?", more than likely he (like most of us) would be a little unsure of his answer. However, if you re-framed the question to ask, "What do you want out of life?" He will more than likely say, "...to be successful."

Here lies the dilemma. Because if you asked him "What IS success?" What do you think his response would be? I believe his response would be the same response that most men would give if describing a successful man. He would describe "success" in terms of what a man owns (i.e., material possessions, accomplishments, etc.), a position he holds (i.e., status), how much money he earns (or has), or how well known he is (i.e., fame and prestige).

My challenge for you this month is to get you to pursue "significance" instead of "success." What is significance? It's living a life that makes the world a better place because YOU lived. There's nothing wrong with attaining possessions, power, prestige, and/or profits. But when all is said in done, the real questions will be "How many lives did you touch? How many people did you help? How many others did you reach?"

As you "succeed" in life, you will naturally accumulate things, but don't ever forget to use those "things" to positively impact and influence other human beings. Someone once said, "God doesn't mind us having 'things,' He just doesn't want 'things' having us." Never let the "things" of success distract you from the real purpose of success...which is to serve others.

So I want you to do a self inventory. Ask yourself, are you pursuing "success"or "significance"? Then let your life reflect what is most important to you by the choices you make and the actions you take. Stay strong my brothers and live with purpose.