Speak It Until You Believe It

I’m a proud father of a high schooler (pray for me).  My son is 15 years, and he has proven to me that being a professor is a lot easier than being a parent.  But isn’t it weird how eerily similar the two jobs are?         One of the great advantages of being a teacher before you become a parent is you gain wisdom by watching the development of your students.  I’ve been fortunate to work with students of all ages from elementary to college, so even before my son was born I could see what to expect.         After convincing myself (or rather allowing God to do it) of having children in spite of what I saw at school, I realized that teaching was actually preparing me for parenthood.         So when my son was about 5 years old, I knew the inevitable would eventually arrive; I’m talking about the frightening MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS.  Yeah, I know high school isn’t a walk in the park either, but I believe middle school is the transition period that will determine the emotional and social success or failure of a student in high school.         In addition to all of the physical changes that occur in middle school, the desire for acceptance and independence tend to challenge and tax every parenting skill one has.         Knowing this, I had to come up with a way that I could teach my son (while he was still listening to me) to not forget everything he learned prior to entering the pre-teen and teenage years.  I was trying to help him avoid what I call, “middle school” amnesia.  So intentionally I decided to “brainwash” my son.  Yeah, I know that sounds bad, but let me explain.         When he was 5 years old, I started teaching him something called the “Martin Mantras.”  Catchy sayings he could recall and recite whenever he needed them the most; sort of like a “use these in case of an emergency” whenever he found himself in an eventual middle school social, academic, mental, or emotional crisis.         He didn’t understand why I was doing it at the time, but all I can tell you today is that the Martin Mantras have paid HUGE dividends.  They work great because it saves me from having to “lecture” him on what he already knows is right.  The mantras instead, allow me to “lead” him to exercise his independence and accept responsibility for his actions.         With my son’s permission, I’ve decided to share the “Martin Mantras” with you.  Please share them with anyone who needs to be reminded how great they are and how powerful God is.  Feel free to create your own and share them so we can add them to our family’s list.  Here they are: If I do my best, God will handle the rest. If I believe I can do it, God will see to it. Even if I fall, God controls it all. If I lie, God will always deny. No matter what people say, God loves me anyway. I know I have favor, because Jesus is my Savior. Whenever God tells me how, I must obey now.         I will leave it up to you to know WHEN you should use them.  But I use them on my son usually right before a test, after a test, after being mistreated by others, teased by others, during times of doubt, feelings of insecurity, and fear (just to name a few).          I can’t begin to tell you how powerful the right word spoken at the right time can be or how destructive the wrong word spoken at the wrong time can be.         Over the past 10 years, I’m convinced now (more than ever) that my son actually believes these mantras.  I’ve actually heard him share some of the mantras with his friends as well as some of our family members.          I truly believe if you speak something long enough, whether positive or negative, eventually you’ll believe it.  So start creating the world you would like to see (for your children, siblings, mate, or friens) by speaking what you want them to believe about themselves and others.  Take my word for it, you’ll change their life.  Stay in His grip!

Don't You Dare Compare!

            If you find yourself comparing yourself to others and NOT measuring up, I have a simple solution - STOP!
  
            I think comparing yourself to others is one of the quickest ways to either depression or conceit.  I've been taught that whenever you don't think you're good enough, just focus on being a better YOU.  In other words, try to outperform yourself - compete against yourself.  Measure your success today based on who you were yesterday, last month, last year, last decade.  If you're not better than your former self, that just means you have work to do.

            I was also taught, when you start feeling you're "better" than everyone else, then compare yourself to Christ.  Because you'll quickly see how far you still have to go to be what he was, "perfect in character."  I think you get my point.

            Instead of worrying about who you're not and why you're not, focus on who and what you want to become, and start taking the necessary steps to get there.  I grew up in the hood, and I didn't always (and still don't) speak and write grammatically correct.  But I thank God I didn't sit there satisfied with where and who I was.
  
            I simply made a list of what I wanted to become and WHY - and then I created a checklist of things I wanted to improve in (i.e., speech, diction, writing, vocabulary).  Then I started making the necessary sacrifices and taking the necessary steps.  I bought vocabulary books to help me boost my knowledge of words.  I read and used grammar books (outside of school) to help me write better.  I bought speech tapes to help me improve my diction and pronunciation of words.  I think you get the point.  If you can't see yourself as you COULD be (i.e., successful and significant), then you'll never become what you SHOULD be (i.e. successful and significant).

            Well, I have to run, I'm getting ready to go a long road trip (speaking), and I have to get packing.  You're going to be fine.  Just stop focusing on what you're not, and thank God for what you are (alive, loved, in college, and still in the game) and where he's taking you (to achieve the desires of your heart).  Just make sure you do things for the right REASONS with a pure heart.  And whatever you lack, just ask God to supply.  That's what He's there for (to be relationship with you as He supplies ALL your needs according to His riches and glory).  Be blessed and stay in His grip!

Choosing The Road Less Traveled

I often tell people that when it comes to life, our choices are quite simple: either we can get up, give up, or shut up!  Meaning, when we’re faced with tough situations, we can either choose to get up and do something about it; we can choose to give up and accept it for what it is; or we can shut up, stop complaining, and change our attitude about the situation.

         Yeah, I know that’s being quite blunt, but I don’t think it makes the statement any less true.  However, I think I may have even overstated our options when it comes to life choices.  Upon further investigation, and after doing a lot more living and learning, I’ve discovered that we really only have two options: either do things our way or God’s way.  Meaning, we can face, confront, react, handle, respond, and deal with things according to God’s way of doing things or we can do things our way.

         Over my short time on this planet, I’ve learned that God is very clear and specific about His promises to and for us…if we obey Him.  In fact, he’s not vague at all.

         He says we will be the head, not the tail; we will be the lender, not the borrower; we will be blessed in the city as well as in the field; our offspring and their offspring’s offspring will be blessed, and so on and so on.  Likewise, He’s very specific that the total opposite is true if we DO NOT obey Him.

         When I look back at my own life, I’m shocked to find that often times I choose to disobey God in spite of the negative consequences I know will occur.  I also know it’s the nature of man (humankind) to often do what feels good to us rather than what’s actually good for us, but knowing this truth doesn’t give me any comfort or justify my disobedience.  It just proves that sometimes I deliberately choose to be what I call, “stuck on stupid.”

         Even in my many missteps, I’ve noticed that God has never lied to me nor withheld a promise from me.  So for the life of me, I don’t understand why I would I ever doubt that he would spare me from the negative consequences of my disobedience?

         Like Paul (one of my biggest heroes in the Bible) said, “There is a war that rages inside of me that wants to do right, but doesn’t.  And there’s something inside of me that wants to resist evil, but doesn’t.”

         If you can relate to anything that I’m saying, I want you to join me in this little prayer, so we can “come clean” together before God, and choose to pursue the road less traveled – the road of obedience and righteousness.  Of course, I know it won’t solve all of our problems, but I think it’s at least a good first step in the right direction (at least for me). 

         So repeat after me, “God, I repent for not always doing the right thing I know I should do and for not always resisting the wrong things I know I shouldn’t do.  I know it’s my rebellious nature that refuses to surrender totally and completely to your will.  Please help me do better, and please forgive me for not allowing my ‘old nature’ to die and for preventing my ‘born again nature’ to live and express himself totally in my life. Each day God, help remind me that my ‘old nature’ must die in order for Christ to live in me fully.  Today, with your help, I submit to your way of doing things and I die to mine.  Amen.”

         I hope you were in agreement with me on this prayer.  But even if you weren’t, I will continue to pray for you as you travel along this journey called manhood.  Until next time, be strong, and stay in His grip! 

It's Not About You!

         Even though we often question our own purpose in life, and whether or not we’re pursuing the right goals, working the right job, studying the right major, or even choosing the right mate, one thing is for sure, Jesus provides us with a great role model as a man who was indeed living for and pursuing the “right” purpose.

         He was so clear on his purpose and mission that he never felt the need to defend himself or argue his position.  He knew who he was and what God called him to do.  He didn’t waste his time quarreling with others who stood between him and his “higher” calling.  His focus and gaze was always on God, not himself.

         However, in my life, especially when I’ve disagreed with someone, felt taken advantage of, or didn’t get my way, I’ve often taken my eyes off of God’s desires for me and placed them on my own selfish ones.  My interactions with others weren’t about God’s purpose, but rather about my own pleasure, expectations, and desires for immediate gratification.  This is not something I’m proud to admit, but I can’t believe I’m the only man on the planet who has struggled with this.

         In a society that bombards us with messages of doing what we want when we want, saying what we want when we want, and getting and having what we want when we want it, is it any surprise when others view us as selfish?  At least I don’t think so.  We’re selfish not only about our desires, but also about our time, our money, and our interests.

         In my past relationships with others, not only have I failed to put God’s desires and needs first, I’ve often failed to consider the other person’s needs and desires as well.  But there’s one thing to identify a personal character flaw in your life, and it’s another thing to humble yourself before God and seek him to help you correct it (or at least learn from it).

         As I’ve matured in my faith over the years, I’ve discovered that when it comes to dealing with God, His children, and my life in general, as a man, I need to change one major thing:

I need to develop a God-centered, people-oriented consciousness and approach to serving Him and others.

         For the last few years, I’ve worn two rubber bracelets around my wrist that look identical to each other, but actually are slightly different and serve different purposes.  They’re the same kind of bracelets that Lance Armstrong, the legendary cyclist, made popular years ago.  These bands look the same, but they’re each inscribed with a different message on it.  One bracelet in particular drives home the point I’m trying to make here, and also the reason why I wear it, so I won’t ever forget it’s meaning.  The bracelet reads, “IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.”

         I wear it as a reminder to myself to embrace the full meaning of “living to serve.”  I wear it to remind me to apply it to my life, my message, my actions, the people I meet, the work I do, my son, in my relationships, and most importantly, to God’s purpose.  This little shift in consciousness has made a HUGE difference in my life.

         So, I join together now in praying with you, asking God to give us both the grace, mercy, and patience we need to allow us to do His will on this earth by serving others.  I also want you to challenge yourself over the next 24-hours by asking yourself whenever you meet someone today, “What can I do serve them?’  And whatever God speaks to you heart, just resolve in your spirit to do it.

         Until next time, stay strong my brother, and stay in His grip!

You Need Your S.P.A.C.E.

             A few years ago, a dear friend of mine challenged me to do something that has literally transformed my spiritual life.  He asked me to seek God earnestly and diligently for 40 days in solitude (early in the morning) and then write down everything and anything God revealed to me each day.  He also promised to do the same (with me), and we would in turn hold each other accountable until the end of the 40 days.
            Just to insure our commitment, we both waged our beloved iPods (to be given to the other) if either one of us failed to follow through. 

            I’m proud (and relieved to say), neither one of us had to give up our iPods, but more importantly, it’s now going on three years AFTER the initial 40 days.  In fact, some of the blog posts I’ve shared with you have come out of my “quiet time” moments with God.  Also, as result, my son and I now seek God together as a result of this little challenge my friend issued; I can’t thank him enough for approaching me about doing it.

            However, initially, I didn’t feel that way.  Yes, I’ve sought God before through Bible reading, devotional reading, church attendance, praise and worship, and prayer.  But my friend proposed a slightly different approach.  He wanted us each to pick Bible verses at random (wherever God led us), and without the aid of Biblical commentary, allow God and the Holy Spirit to speak to us directly without hindrance or outside influence.  We then would record in a journal whatever God revealed to us in our hearts.

            I know this sounds “super spiritual,” but it’s really not.  In fact, as much as I like to write, this initially sounded like a monumental task for me.  I had many questions: What if I didn’t hear anything from God; what if I didn’t understand what I read; what if I couldn’t express my thoughts in words; how much or how little should I write; where would I start?

            My accountability partner, who was much more experienced than I, then suggested a simple formula that has now made hearing from God in my “quiet time” one of the easiest things to do.  In fact, I have to STOP myself from writing too much at times.  I now have enough journal entries to publish my own person devotional.  Wow!  In fact, I plan to have my journal entries published before my son graduates from high school so I can give it to him as a graduation gift when he goes off to college.

            So what’s the formula?  It’s simply this: S.P.A.C.E. 

            Before you open your Bible, write at the top of the page the word “SPACE.”  It’s an acronym that stands for:

• S – SIN
• P – PROMISE
• A – ATTITUDE
• C – COMMAND
• E – EXAMPLE

That’s it.  I’ll explain what it means shortly.

Below that acronym, write down the following question: 

“God, what are you saying to me about me today?”

Then simply open your Bible to the scripture (chapter) of your choice, and simply start reading.  As you read, keep thinking about the SPACE acronym:

S = “Does this scripture/passage reveal any sin in my life that I need to confess?

P = “Is there a promise in this scripture/passage I need to claim as my own?

A = “Does this scripture/passage expose an attitude I need to change or modify?

C = “Does this scripture/passage focus on a particular command (from God) I need to obey?

E = “Is there an example in this scripture/passage I need to follow/model (or even avoid)?

            Trust me, if you do this quietly, without interruptions and distractions, I can almost promise you, you won’t get to finish reading the chapter before God speaks to your heart.  If  that happens, I would advise you to stop reading, write down your thought immediately (in one sentence), then resume reading again.  You can always go back and expound on the thought later.

            When you’re finish reading, and you review your thoughts (which I call lessons), pick the one (or two) that stood out the most, and simply write about it (i.e., how you felt, what you thought, what you learned, what you need to do, etc.).  That’s it.

            Again, I can’t begin to tell you how powerful this little exercise has been and what it’s meant to my spiritual growth.  But it just goes to show you, if you just commit just a little time to God, He’ll always make a little S.P.A.C.E. for you.  Just give him room to work through you.  Until next time, stay strong, and stay in His grip!

Being Right vs. Being Righteous

I had a very interesting week this week and also a relationship-altering experience as well. I have to first start by making a confession…I love being right.

Now that may not be an earth-shattering revelation to you, because most people do; who doesn’t? However, not only do I like to be right, I’m very good at proving I’m right. In other words, I’m an excellent debater. Again, that my sound okay on the surface, but my skillfulness at “proving my case” has brought me many victories, but it also has brought me many defeats in my relationship with others. Ironically, most of my conflicts with others go wrong when I'm right (and I can prove it) rather than when I'm wrong (and they can prove it).

One reason I started this “RealWorld Mens' Blog” was because I wanted to demonstrate to men who, like me, may not have had a “strong male role model” growing up, that a strong man is also a man who’s humble enough to admit his weaknesses. This is a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way over the years and I still struggle with to this day. And one of the toughest lessons I’ve had to learn is that when it comes to relationships (whether with your mate, child, friend, co-worker, or even a stranger), it’s always far better to be “righteous” than to be “right.”

What do I mean by that? Whenever you’re in a conflict with someone, and you only focus on “proving your point” and doing whatever it takes to “win” the argument, you may walk away feeling good about yourself, but the other person might walk away feeling bad about themselves (including you). However, if you focus on being “righteous” (i.e., speaking and acting towards the other person with love), even if you disagree, both of you will walk away feeling good, not only about yourselves, but also each other. I hope this makes sense. Now back to my point.

This week, after engaging in a conflict with someone I love - that didn’t end quite the way I would’ve liked (i.e., me being right, but the relationship being wounded) - I decided to spend a considerable amount of time with God reflecting on as many “bad endings” as I could remember with those I love. Call it old age or spiritual maturity, but “being right” and “proving I’m right” was starting to leave me feeling less and less satisfied each time.

So I sought God’s guidance; and I would like to share with you what He spoke to my heart and revealed to me about me. In turn, I hope you might be able to pull some wisdom for yourself as you work to strengthen your own relationship with others (especially those you love).

First, God showed me that my passion for truth, although a good thing, has gotten me into trouble, because it’s prevented me from being more compassionate to those I try to share it (truth) with. In other words, He told me:

“Don’t just speak truth with passion, speak it with com-passion.”

Next, God revealed to me that whenever I seek to speak truth to someone, if they try to resist, reject, or ignore it, then I need to just back off. But He told me this way:

“Whenever you feel the need to ‘push’ then you need to ‘pause’.”

This really hit home with me, because so many times other people’s resistance to my point causes me to speak a little louder, be a little more forceful, and push a little harder, until I eventually “push” them away.

Then, God showed me that whenever I anticipated or sensed a conflict with someone, I should pray before I engage. He spoke it to me this way:

“Seek before you speak.”

Simple enough; He suggested I seek His face and "His way" of how I should handle the situation before I seek to get my point across “my way.” And given my track record lately, I have no choice but to follow this advice.

And the last thing God spoke to me was probably the most revealing. He told me that whenever I get into a conflict with someone, I need to make fewer statements and ask more questions. But he said this way:

“Ask more questions and make less accusations.”

Ouch! This was more revealing to me because I never realized I was accusing anyone of anything when I argued with them. But that’s exactly what I was doing. By insisting and proving I was right, I was actually judging and accusing them of being wrong. My job is to speak truth, not to prove it. That's God's job.

But then I ask God another question, “How can I do better?” In addition to the three (3) things he mentioned above, he also gave me three (3) questions to interject into any conflict whenever I see it going downhill:

1. How do you think I should respond to you in this situation?

2. What do you need me to do for you right now?

3. We don’t seem to be connecting with each other, what am I doing wrong?

Although it was painful to see some of my character flaws, I walked away feeling encouraged not condemned, because now I know better. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll always do better in my relationship with others, unless I realize that in any conflict or argument, that it’s not about me, it’s not about them, it’s always about us and God’s best for us. Be blessed my brothers, and stay in His grip!

Head Man in Charge

A few years ago, I decided to start a tradition of allowing my son to share in my “Quiet Time with God” moments; whereas we would sit in my closet, pick a chapter in the Bible and discuss it openly and honestly. Although I was a little reluctant (and maybe selfish) to do it at first, I thought it would be a great opportunity to spend some quality time with him and also help him grow and develop spiritually. Little did I know that his participation would also contribute to my spiritual growth and development as well. It’s funny how God finds so many creative ways to humble us.

Well this morning was one of those times. We decided to read out of Deuteronomy 10, when our discussion took an interesting turn into a totally different direction.

We started reading about Moses and his abuse of the power God had given him. Moses became angry at the Israelites for building a false idol to worship; something God had forbidden. Because of his anger, Moses disobeyed God in his response to the Israelites and was forbidden from entering the Promise Land.

Our (my son and I) discussion immediately, and strangely enough, shifted into a discussion about husbands and wives; please don’t ask me why – I have no idea. Who can know the mind of 13 year old?

Specifically, we got into a discussion about the legal authority God had given man as the spiritual head of the woman – and the abuse of that authority.

My son asked, “Dad, why do men abuse their authority?” Quite a heavy question to drop on a person (at least so early in the morning). Well, as usual, I said a quick prayer hoping God would give me wisdom to answer my son without my ego getting involved. And as usual, God did not disappoint. He revealed to me, that as men, when we hear and think of the word “authority,” we tend to think and equate it to the word “power.”

However, in actuality, when we hear the word “authority,” we should immediately hear and focus our attention on a different word… and that word is “responsibility.”

To help my son gain a better understanding of what I meant and where I was going with this, I had Kendall shift his focus from husband and wife to parent and child. This shift gave both us great clarity. Allow me to explain.

As Kendall’s God-appointed and God-anointed father, I have the legal “authority” over him. Meaning, if I choose, I could demand (and even force and coerce him) to do things against his will and his conscience. In fact, when I told Kendall some of the things I could require him to do or make him do, but choose NOT to, he was amazed (and quite relieved I might add). And out of obligation or fear, he would more than likely feel compelled to do it.

But I told him, however, from God’s perspective, the authority He gave me over him (as a child) actually meant I was responsible FOR him and accountable TO God for his spiritual growth and development.

So likewise, husbands have a God-appointed “responsibility” to their wives. And if a man fully accepts and fulfills his Godly responsibility to his wife, leads by example; nurtures her Spirit; helps her mature in her walk with Christ; and shows her unconditional love; she will more than likely, lovingly and willingly submit and serve under her husband’s “authority” – no different than a child serves and submits to a loving parent. This is no longer done out of obligation or compulsion, but rather out of Godly obedience and respect.

After sharing this insight with my son, I immediately had to repent (openly) for some of the mistakes I’d made during my marriage to his mother. I thanked God for the revelation and wisdom he had just given me concerning “authority,” and I asked him to forgive me for all of those times I used my God-given authority to exercise power instead of accept responsibility. I also asked him to plant and engraft this lesson in my heart and grant me the strength to walk out this truth in my Spirit; and my desire would be to have him do the same for you as well. Be strong my brother, and know you’re in my prayers.

Until next time, stay in His grip!